Neil,
your post does pose a few problems,God does forgive but he does not condone sin in our lives. It is good that your wife has a personal relationship with the Lord and baptized.This would be, not because but ,inspite of what happened. The church is not your enemy it is the body of Christ here on earth.
What a testimony you have opportunity to gain. Don't stay on a high horse ,to many people will get hurt when you fall. Be still and know that I Am GOD.
in Christian Love Helen